Last Tuesday I spent the day with a friend I was catching up with after a few months. She moved to Europe to study last autumn, and a long chat was overdue. It’s a warm feeling – of sitting down with a friend, safe and comfortable, and over the course of the day and to be able to peer into each other’s lives. She’s been in a relationship for the past 6 years, and was reflecting on how her relationship has evolved with time.    

As a couple’s counselor I see magic in mutual growth and change. Seeing it in two young people, in a long relationship, have moments of quiet transformation is a tribute to the safety they find with each other. She brought up their challenges of being away from each other, in a time when they were both in new situations – brimming with adventure and exploration. Her own journey of self-exploration, of confusion, of heartache, and of excitement had begun to tug on her partnership. 

They decided they needed firmer boundaries, and more space. The distance between them caused feelings of disconnection which were initially handled by frantic conversations, a few arguments,   and serious reconsideration. 

They chose to come together and listen. Finding a safe space inside their relationship, where they could express themselves without the fear of judgment or misunderstanding, was a decision they took. Identifying things and actions that didn’t work for each other, talking about the source of particular behavior, understanding each other’s perspective, and coming together to find solutions helped them strengthen their relationship to confront new stages of individuality. 

Relationships are about each other. They are also about yourself. How you shine in your relationship, how you find yourself, how you get to know yourself, and how you express yourself empowers you and your partner to be fully present with each other. Loving each other, respecting each other is bolstered by the love and respect you have for yourself. Knowing yourself, finding out what works, enabling yourself to seek your joy – allows for a more balanced and fulfilling partnership. 

When you practice self-love, you are better equipped to deal with the challenges and stresses that inevitably arise in any relationship. You are better able to communicate your needs and desires, set boundaries, and advocate for yourself in a respectful and healthy way. This benefits you and your partner by creating an equitable and supportive dynamic in the relationship.

How to Cultivate Self-Love in Your Own Life

• Practice self-care: Self-care is an essential component of self-love. This can include things like getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising regularly, and doing things that bring you joy and fulfillment.
• Set boundaries: Setting boundaries is an important part of practicing self-love. This can include saying “no” to things that don’t align with your values or priorities, and being clear about your needs and expectations in your relationships.
• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would offer to a friend. This means being gentle with yourself when you make mistakes, and practicing self-forgiveness when you fall short of your own expectations.
• Cultivate self-awareness: Spend time reflecting on your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This can help you to identify patterns that may be holding you back, and to make positive changes in your life and relationships.
• Prioritize your own needs: Make sure that you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. This doesn’t mean neglecting your relationships or the needs of others, but rather ensuring that you are in a healthy and stable place before you offer yourself to others.